Could be a Suicide note

Two weeks ago that night I was coming from my friends place to my house. On my way back, by a speed breaker I had an accident. I didn’t remember anything until I reached my home. After that vaguely remember that friend took me to home. As I slept, 3a.m I woke up and realise I have pain in my head, knees and in hands. Was crying whole night with no idea. Next day as I spoke to my friend, He explained that I had an accident near thiruvanmaiyur. And I was crying in the road. Couple of securites near the apartment took me safe. They were asking many question but I was simply cried. Where He just called whether I reached home or not. And I picked the call and I blabbered, “I don’t know where I am.. there are men around me.. I am scared.. don’t know what’s happening “. Then he came all the way and took me home. And I stopped him near my house saying “I might get in trouble if you come at this time to my house”. So he left near my house. Then next day he came and brought the two wheeler back home. And bought some tablets and creams. For the next days I was in a mental stress and pain. Thanks to those good hearted unknown angels took me safe in that road and my friend. But, this accident in my life made me realise how uncertain is my life, how unsafe is my life. What if I got serious accident and there is nobody in that road?! Even If I was hospitalized who will be there for me to take care?! With all the question and negative thoughts the shock I had by the accident everything together made me for a week as mentally disturbed. In between, I had to go to Madurai for a paper presentation, so that, I’ll get some money to pay this month rent. Where I stayed with a senior trans-activist, who advised me, “working for mainstream is good thing. But, You should also take care of yourself. Because, end of the day you will be alone my dear”. How true!!! Then I went to my hometown to my family. Thinking, that will help me to cheer. Where it only got even worst., after all these years yes they accept me but not my Gender. They strictly refuse to accept me as female. They still address me with male pronounce. In between, each struggle I only push myself to be happy to the core of it. But, seriously, who am I kidding?! Whats the point?! 10 years of theatre experience and Study from London I made a theatre production called “Color of Trans”. But, all these 10 shows of it we only happened to perform by queer friends and some friends help. Even National School of Drama denied our play to perform in a theatre festival. All these years I never wanted to be a sex worker or begger but want to be an actress and worked all I could. But, What is the point to be a good girl? Whats the point to be an inspiration? End of the day I am still alone and not settled. Honestly, I am sharing this just so It could be a document other than looking for sympathy. Dear frineds, So please don’t be shocked in future.. if you see me in begging or doing sexwork or as a mentally challenged in streets or even if you heard I committed suicide!!!

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